Suddenly I feel that there's a need for me to come clean to you. Maybe things seemed pretty clean to you already, but to me, it isn't. I've been hiding a lot of feelings from you, and I can no longer keep them in. So allow me to start right from the beginning okay?

I was on irc that very day, found yer nick pretty interesting so I pm-ed you. We clicked well and it wasn't easy to find someone so approachable like you. So we talked and talked and soon it was late, like 1am. It was time for me to go offline and sleep but somehow I knew I just couldn't leave you this way. So I asked you to become my pts using a very dumb method, still, you fell for it. I guess right from the start we had that something for each other. At least, I had something for you. I liked the way you carried yourself and I liked the way you played around with me. We weren't friends to begin with, it was something more.

As days passed, I fell more and more for you. It was a mutual feeling, but you had yer commitments with another her. I won't deny I really liked you at that time, but I was ready to let you go anytime. You wanted us to remain as clean as brother and sister when she found out about us, but somehow I managed to convince you and we were pts again.

You weren't my only pts at that point in time, there was xiuwen as well. There weren't any competition but I always knew I liked you more. And soon after, I was forced to make a choice between you and xw. I was in a dilemma yes, but after some thoughts, you were my choice.

I never wanted to come in between you and that friendly ghost, I've always maintained my position as a friend whenever we come to the topic of you and her. I've never bad-mouthed her in front of you even thou I really didn't like the way she treated you. I didn't want you to think that I'm sowing discord or whatsoever. I just wanted you to be happy.

Then my feelings for you went outta control and I really wanted to be with you. I was rejected many times till I was numbed. A decision was made to leave you for good and for several months we weren't in contact. Of course, I had my share of relationships and getting over you weren't this tough.

Then one fine day, 3months later, I got a call from you. I was really excited but I knew I couldn't expect anything more from you. I was with xw and I had to be respondsible to her. Still, we were more than just friends, all along, this haven't change one bit.

We got closer and then xw came to know about us. She wanted to give me to you, and you wanted to give me to her. I was being pushed around and I didn't like it at all. Once again, I was forced to make a decision. It was hard this time, but I didn't take long, I chose you again.

And so I ended things with xw and took my time to get over her. Whereas things were on the rocks for you and her, that's how I came into the picture. I stood by you, I cheered you up, I gave you strength, I loved you, with no strings attached. That's the kayson that you were gaga over, I know.

We were madly in love behind her back, we got involved emotionally and physically. I was practically head over heels for you. I loved you thisssssssssss much, so much. I didn't yearn for any status, and I'm satisfied with the way we are, for you love me, and I love you.

Then a couple of months later, you ended things with her. I still remember you told me that you told her that you love me. You didn't know what that meant to me, for I didn't surface my excitement and joy. I couldn't believe my ears as you said, I didn't expect you to do that for us, for our future. And from that moment onwards, I promised myself that I'll love you with every single bit of what I am and I'll only give you the best and only the best.

We didn't get together straight after you ended things with her. You asked for time to get over and I agreed. I wanted to go thru all that with you, but you said you wanted to do it on yer own. I didn't understand that at first, but now I do. I appreciate yer efforts, I know you didn't want us to begin when you are still in her shadow.

I started to get impatient and somehow I'm forcing you for an answer, or should I say, for a "yes". I can't remember how many times you said "no" or "I don't know", but I know it was too much for me to take. You were wrong, status isn't all that I want, what I wanted so badly was you.

I couldn't get you to fill up that empty space within, and thus I started to drift away. And just so coincidentally, Cheryl resurfaced into my life. Thou I know it was wrong, she was there to fill that empty space so readily. I couldn't resist, and so I succumbed. I'm sorry. I know our love should have been strong enough, I'm sorry I let you down, I'm sorry I let your love down.

That mistake didn't go on for long, we ended things two days later. I had my commitments to you, she had hers to nique. But you came to know about it soon after we ended things. You questioned me, you questioned our love. I hid the truth from you cos I didn't wanna jeopardize our love. I know I love you all along, no doubt bout that.

I don't know how we got into a situation where I have to choose again. Did I tell you it wasn't hard? Did I tell you I knew who I wanted all along? I don't think you knew. I met you at the bus-stop near yer place after you caught a movie with Christine. As I saw you got off the cab, I wanted to just go over and hug you and tell you how much I love you, but I didn't. We walked silently towards the shelter beside the playground. We sat down and I saw you looking at me. Then you started to cry and asked me not to do this to you. I held you close and I was tore apart inside. I didn't want things to turn out this way. I didn't wanna break your heart. You should know I love you.

We got together the most unexpected way. It wasn't how I wanted us to begin but still, I went along with it. As long as you're happy, I know I'll be happier. Do I have to say what we shared during that 3 months? It took my breath away. What could go wrong? I was so sure that it was you I belong to. I want to marry you girl, you.

We went everywhere together, did everything with each other beside. We made promises under the stars, I gave myself to you as you gave yourself to me. I love you, madly. I love you for the way you are. I love the way we shopped around bugis. I love the escapades at cold storage. I love the way we used to feed each other at LJS. I love the way you used yer hands to eat and forced me to use mine too. I love the way we shared one Combo 1. I love the way you finished the onions for me when we eat at Yoshi. I love the way you ate chawanmushi and I'll shoot the peas into the cup. I love the way we shared vanilla milkshake, butterfly prawns and chicken nuggets. I love the way you laughed at me when I dirtied my shirt. I love the way you tugged my sleeve. I love the way you held my arm as we walk around. I love the way you made me feel secured and loved. I love the way you jumped around like a lil kid. I love the way you lie on me on the bus. I love the way I walked you home and you'll kiss me goodbye. I love the way you snuggled up into my arms. I love the way you hit my breast asif they're yours. I love the way you'll pull my shoe lace so tight that i look like some dont-know-what. I love the way you'll look at the way i dressed and go like "hiyoh, you look so sloppy!" or "why must tuck in abit one? so pattern pattern ah?" I love the way you'll style my hair when we are sitting at the playground. I love the way we'll look into each others' eyes and nothing needs to be said anymore. I love the way you'd hold my hand and i'll feel the safest even if I'm in the middle of the road. I love you, your flaws, your everything and anything.

But things began to sour as I returned to school and you have to start working. I want to clarify something here. Its not that I don't trust you, its her I don't trust. I worry bout you all the time. She has been a threat to me all along. To you, maybe she's just a friend. But to me, things aint that simple. Just like how you fear that I'll be taken away, I fear to lose you too. Did I not tell you how important you are to me? You should know girl.

As the distance became wider, I became more paranoid. I did things to spite you. I blogged bout other girls and all. But the truth is, there weren't anyone at all. I didn't go for dinner with anyone after I left you at Raffles City. I didn't meant to leave you. I didn't mean to betray your trust. All along it was you I love. I regret doing all those stupid stuff just to feel you. I'm wrong. Sorry.

You said, it's for my benefit that you left me. Have you ever placed yourself in my shoes before you made that decision? I was so broken when I read that entry that you left for pin. I couldn't believe my eyes. I just broke down crying and tried convincing myself that you are just spiting me. At least, that's what I hope you are doing. And if you think leaving me was for the my sake, I want you to know that I'm not okay at all. It ain't doing me any good. And this decision of yours ruined my life totally.

My thoughts ran wild. I was too depressed to think rationally. I made a decision to leave you alone, since you already had her. I wallowed in self-pity. I shut myself from everyone and anyone. I cried every single day and night. I died inside, yet I had to put up a strong front when facing people around me. I can laugh, but I'm never really happy within. Despite efforts to convince myself that I'll be happy when you are, I couldn't curb the pain.

For 2months, I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I woke up late, I skipped school, I slept thru my papers. I screwed up my life. I cried even on the bus to school. I teared when singing mari kita. I thought about you all the time. And when I could no longer hold back the tears, I'd excuse myself to the toilet.

While I was busy being miserable, I had to think about how to deal with you. I planned my moves. I made people think that I've already moved on. I made you think that I'm happy with my life without you. I hid my true emotions. Why? Cos I wanted you to be happy, cos I've my pride, cos I wanted to protect myself, cos I know that's what you want me to be, and cos that's the only way you'll be happy with her.

Nobody knows the pain I went thru. I'm afraid to go out cos I'll see the places that we frequent, the things we like to eat, and the promises we made to each other. I often lie on my bed and think about the times we share. I can spend 2hrs staring at the wall. I lock myself up in the room to cry because I miss you. I cut myself to ease the pain you left behind. I didn't go to the extend of killing myself cos I wanted to wait for you. I still hold on to the faith that you'll be back one day. I know our love will bring you back, right here into my arms.

I didn't let you know this till now cos you're with pin and i don't wanna be a third party again. I know how much she means to you and you seemed to be happy with her and I think I'll be happy too. If only you weren't taken, I'll go all out to get you back. Please believe me, I ain't contradicting myself or anyone. It has been so clear all along.

I don't wanna hear you say that time will wash away the pain, I don't wanna hear you say that there are other better catches out there. I don't want anyone sexier than you. i don't want anyone prettier than you. I don't want anyone better than you. I don't want anyone more adorable than you. I don't want anyone who behaves like you. I don't want anyone but you.

If I could girl, I'll make you see how much you mean to me.

Its hard making things seem easy.

I'm suffering from burnt skin and injured knees. But I'm slowly recovering. I hope my nice nice tan doesn't fade off, not till I showed it off to everyone.

Many things seemed to have taken a twist since I came back from Ubin. Never knew being away for 5 days could cause sucha gap between me and the people around. I'll be catching up, soon enough.

Two missed calls ruined my day. Oh bugger. I felt bad not being able to answer them. I promised that I'll always be there. Then again, who am I? No worries, I know well enough where I stand in this situation.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of something, really bad. I got a shock and woke up. Lucky its just a dream. Sighs. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately, and most of the time I almost cried. You weren't here for me. I know. I don't want you to know I'm not okay. I don't want you here as much as I want you to.

I shut away from others to ease the pain within.
Been long since I last called out your name.
I cry deep within for you.
But you'll never here to hear.

harn : we'll meet up soon. Promise. A proper one that is. I miss you. :)))

I'll be on my way to you.

I'm back from OBS! :D wow, how glad I am to be back here, but no matter what I still miss my instructor, Louis Soo. hee, I got his email thou. I can ka jiao him whenever I want. muahahas.

alright, about this course, it was great, breath taking. Basically, there are 4 schools there at Camp 1, HCJC, SAJC, RJC and MI. We are divided into a few watches, Bo Seng, Rajanatram, Gandhi, Danabhalan and lastly my watch, Eng Soon. My watch comprises of Razali, Saufi, Farid, Alif, Nazri, Alann, Gopal, Narita, Alisha, Grace, Hudah, Grace, Usha, Gracie, Esther and myself. 15 pple in all.

DAY 1
we are divided into our own watch, and brought around OBS - Camp 1. We are sharing bunks with the Danabhalans and its located at the top of the hill. The condition of the bunks was okay, but what comes along were a whole bunch of insects and bugs. A lil time was given for us to unpack, then we have to change for the kayaking activity.

at the kayak shed, we were taught how to use the paddle, what to do during capsize, and how to rescue other capsizers. After which we set out for a lil sea expedition around Pulau Ketam. My partner was Usha, so I had to do most of the paddling since she's kinda weak. During that journey, we had many, and I really mean MANY quarrels. She's doing the rathering but we are always outta direction. I guess we are both tired and worn out and a lil pissed. However, we made it afterall. We kayaked a shocking 8km around Pulau Ketam and back to Camp 1 in 5hrs. That's quite a long journey, we didn't even rest, we just kept kayaking. And that's only the first day.

we got back to our bunks and had a lil bath.
I'm missing home.

DAY 2
got up at 5.30am since we had PT at 5.55am. had PT then changed into our climbing attires. We gathered around the internal rock wall and had a lesson on how-to-wear-a-harness and how-to-be-a-belayer. After which we all had a try at the rock wall. Actually I didn't wanna climb, I just wanted to keep belaying pple and that's all, but stupid Louis caught me and pushed me for a try. I climbed and climbed and got stucked a few times. I looked down and I almost fainted. Hah. I could feel the sweat on my hands and the strain on my arms. When I almost reached the top, I got stuck again, and I was too tired to pull myself up anymore. Lucky I had the encouragements from my friends and Louis, and I finally grabbed that fucking last tile. :D all was good, we all conquered that 10m rock wall.

at night, we had a briefing on our 2 day long mass sea expedition for the next day. There are 4 watches going as one, from that point onwards, we are a team called R510. Basically we are going to kayak from Ubin, passing Sembawang Shipyard, then to Causeway and then turn back to Sembawang. That's day 1 for the expedition. We all went HUHHHHH when the total distance of the expedition was announced. From Ubin to Causeway and back to Sembawang, is 30km. I was stunned lah, and I don't think I can do it. I think I'll just die half way there. But I cant back out, I just have to give it a shot, my best shot.

After the briefing, we went back to pack our stuff. It was massive as we are not staying in Camp 1 for Day 3. We had to bring rations and clothes and equipment for the bashas and cooking. Packing ended at 1230am.

I'm missing all back at mainland.
I'm trying not to miss you.

Day 3
PT was just warm up then we all headed to shore and the expedition begins. I had a change of partner from Usha to Saufi. I chosed a guy cos I thought I could have a easy time then, since he's a strong fella. Till 5km later then I realized I was oh-so-wrong. That bloody bighead weighed 80kg and he paddled like a mouse. wtf, I was already worn out by the time we reached our first pit stop. We are basically lagging at the back all the way, I almost gave up and sleep.

as we had lunch, I changed my partner to Eufemia from Danabhalan. Why? Firstly she's a friend, secondly she's strong cog she plays bball, thirdly she's a 3 star kayaker, fourthly I DON'T WANNA PADDLE WITH THAT MOUSE-STRENGTH-BIGHEAD ANYMORE. I think those reasons are more than enough. -roll eyes.

and so, we set off again, the decision to change partner was definitely right, we are at the front of the pack now and I'm more motivated to paddle. The sun was scorching and my arms hurt so bad. Seems that the slower kayaks all had a change of partner and everybody is going at a good speed. Then I noticed Gopal had a change of partner too. Initially he's with Usha, and we are both the last kayaks. Ha, but now he had a HuaChong pretty girl as his partner, so natually he had to perform well to impress the girl lah. Ha. And that girl's realllyyy cute, her name's Cheryl. :D
-grins- I can't help but noticing her all the way.

Eufe and I sang as we kayaked, bringing entertainment to people around us. Most of the kayaks infront are HCJC pple and cos of that i made some new friends, including Cheryl. heehee. Thou the journey was wearying, it was gratifying.

oh yes, a flying fish flew into JJ and Michelle's kayak. Ha, want to how funny please. And that happened to a few other kayaks too. Lucky it didn't happen to mine. Else I would be screaming like f**k. LOL. Eufe said flying fishes are poisonous. She's just trying to scare me right? :(( anyway I'm really scared. But guess what I told her? I said, "Eufe, better look as you paddle. Later when you dip yer paddle into the water you'll hit a head. HAHAHA." that really got her. muahahas. :D

I saw many many sea creatures as we kayak. I saw erm, pink jellyfishes, dead crabs, sea urchins, flying fishes. And other non-living things as well, like used pads. Gosh, that's how dirty Singapore waters can be. Pads. -draws back with disgust.

I think we are abit slow, causing us not to reach Causeway in the end. It was within sight, but we didn't make it in time. We were just few hundred meters away, but we had to turn back and head to Sembawang, our camp site for the day. Frankly, I was quite happy lah, Ha.

we pitched up beside Sembawang Sports Club, aligned our kayaks for tomorrow's lauching while some started building the bashas and others started fire for dinner. I was quite pissed lah, people kept speaking Malay and formed their own cliques within the watch itself. That's so freaking united. But I couldn't be bothered at all. Mentally tired. -shrugs

so in the end, I left the cooking to those Malay girls thinking that they could come up with something nice. But I was wrong again? The maggi is so soggy that you don't even have to bite it. Gosh, that was the worst maggi I've ever eaten. tsk.

then it was soon night. We changed but not bathed. We can't. No bathroom, only grasses, no toilets, only holes. Sighs. Sick huh? hah, but anyway I was fully prepared to battle the sand flies and mosquitoes and whatever bugs. I wore long sleeves, long pants and sprayed insect repellent all over myself, even in the basha. heehee. Better to be sprayed then itchy.

it wasn't difficult to fall asleep, even thou there are sand flies, grasshoppers and worms all around. It was more tough to wake up knowing that I've to kayak back Camp 1 again. Usha and Esther were infected with rashes all over their arms. And its reallyyyyyy revolting. I was sleeping beside them yet I'm clean. See the power of insect repellent? Laughs.

I miss bathing.
I miss home-cooked food.
I'm thinking of you.

DAY 4
the journey back was much much tougher thou shorter. My muscles are all aching and screaming for a nice massage. And naturally I got reallllyyyy pissed and i started screaming and whacking my paddle on the kayak. I wanted to give up many times, but Eufe kept me going on. It was a challenge. When yer body can no longer carry on, it will be yer willpower who will keep you going. Its true when they say, its all in the mind. Now I realized.

we made it back somehow, but it wasn't the end. We took a short bath and had to set off for a land expedition again. Gosh, you don't know how exhausting that was. My legs can hardly take the next step, and on top of that, we have to carry a 25kg backpack on our aching shoulders. It was hell. But nobody gave up, nobody stopped, and that, kept me moving. It was a group influence I guess. :)))

we arrived at the Peak Ascend. It was basically a 5 storey high structure, rope element course. It aches yer neck just looking at the peak, and the reluctance to climb is all that's in my head at that point in time. Only 4 can go at a time, so I was the belayer first. It was tiring as well being the belayer, you've to keep looking up at the climber, tightening them or cutting them slack. And thank God, it rained. Ha! And so we retreated back to shelter and got some rest. It rained heavy enough for the instructors to decide to cancel that activity for the day. :D

we had some group games instead, then it was time to pitch our bashas again. I managed to get the cooking role with Esther and Gracie. I don't wanna eat soggy noodles that's for sure. We cooked rice, maggi, sardines and curry chicken. Dinner was definitely tastier than the previous day but it was really not easy cooking without proper utensils, without light and the flame keep dying.

last activity for the day was Night Walk. We had to venture into the woods and navigate around. As we reached our destination, Louis revealed the most challenging task for the night, Solo Walk. I was kinda, scared? We had to walk back ourselves, alone, without a torch. I was really reluctant lah. But I did it. :D I just kept telling myself that I'll be alright. The walk was good. I love myself even more. :))))

that night I didn't really sleep, I walked around with my can of tuna keeping a lookout for Cheryl at the same time. I saw her sitting with her gang by the gate, so I got Eufe to walk with me. We walked past the gate like 6 times? LOL. Cheryl's really is adorable. My eye candy :D

and this is Day 4.
I miss home very very much.
I thought about you as I sang our song over and over.


DAY 5
last day, ahhh, finally. We packed and cleaned up our stuff and feelings as we left the bunk for good. Its saddening lah, somehow. We are all not only physically involved, but also emotionally, to everything and everyone over there. The last activity was cancelled too due to rain. Blame the monsoon. We had d last debrief with Louis, had every issue cleared within the watch, then bided our goodbyes. My heart sank as the boat took us away, it got abit teared apart. What was comforting was that we can still keep in contact thru email and that we completed the course as Outward Bounders. As the motto goes, Bound for Adventure, Changed for life.

and that's what I went thru for the past 5 days. The greatest takeaway is the appreciation for things and people around me. I overcame many fears and now I know how to handle them in the future. The experience is once in a lifetime.

I know I should blog, but I'm too exhausted. The beach, the sand, the 3 big pieces of cheese, the float and volleyball wore me out. I can barely keep my eyes open as I'm typing this. ahhhhs. But everything was fabulous. Like, totally. Haha, alrights. I shall like, blog tomorrow. And just like per and aaronn, I wish I've a girlfriend. -grins- (((:

okay, so after like 32529058252890days i can finally publish my template. gosh crap. i hate blogger. fuck blogger. ha.

anyway, my sentosa date today is cancelled thanks to some bloody dental appointment. no, not mine. i've good teeth. its tan ah ma's. and they wanna go queensway instead. cmon! how can queensway be compared to sentosa?! darn it.

ahhhhhh, mommy wants me to work soon. like, i can earn what i wanna buy. thats not a bad idea anyway. i dont mind working but, what bout my trainings? sighs. i hate trainings. i hate d stupid coach. i hate running around carparks. (but i like hiding behind d cars.) :D

and per wants me to meet her cos she just lost one side of her very very expensive shoe and her car-driving crush isn't replying her msgs. haha. and she's singing d most exaggerating version of bah-bah blacksheep over d phone. anyway per, if you are reading this, im sorry for not meeting you alright? i'm just too lazy. -shrugs-

OBS is coming soon! i cant waittttttt. ((((:

i dont wanna be anything but the thing i'm trying to be lately.

Constantly girl you're on my mind,
and girl I think about you all of the time
and even though words are hard to say,
girl I miss you, never thought I'd feel this way.

If you keep on taking,
my heart you'll be breaking.
So why do you do this to me?
You know how I'm feeling,
it's you I believe in baby.
Can't you see that I need you?

You know that it's true.
Every time I see your face I miss you baby
You know that it's you.
I want to let you know you're driving me crazy.
I'd do anything to help you to see,
I don't think you understand what you're doing to me.
You know that it's true.
Every now and then I want to call you baby.
You know that it's you.
I say a prayer that you'll come back to me lady.

Life ain't anything alone.
Can't you see you're an angel in my eyes,
everyday you're closer to me.

Nobody's there when I call your name,
and nights are cold girl without your flame.
But if I could girl I'd make you see.
That I'm sorry, and that I need you here with me.

Every day reminisce with the past
of a love that we thought would last.
How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast.
There are days that I can't forget
there are things that I now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me,
and I was thinkin' we were set.

Every night when I'm laying in my bed
I hear your voice going round in my head,
think of all the things
I could have done and all those things I could have said.
I really will make it up to you
I know now what I've got to do,
It took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing you.

Cheerrrrrrrrios! I actually got fucking promoted! muahahahs. Actually, I expected that lah.

-actions- Haha, I'm just so god darnit smart right. Tskkk! I got erm, 2Es and one Os. Sad huh?

Had this conversation with my home tutor..

"Sandra ah, you got no A, no B, no C, no D ley. how?"
"HUHH? REALLY? DIE LE LAHH!"
"Haha, but you got E, O, E."
"Eh? means promoted righttt?"
"-smiles-"

Haha, so comic pls. Hmm, now this load's finally off d shoulder. I feel lighter now but still.. gahh. I'm waiting for d day when I'll be really happy once again. =)

Training's starting this week, wednesday onwards. Oh anyway, I'm down for OBS on d 22nd of this month. -laughs- Swim wear was on d list of things ta bring. Muahahas. No way am I going ta wear a swimming cost pls. Bahhhs.

Oh and stupid huiwen wants me to * her.

-gives THAT look-

:D

*You take me higher.